9 Important Holiday Reminders to Better Navigate Challenging Relationships With Parents
This blog covers:
What Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is
Why CEN continues into adulthood
9 reminders to help you get through the holidays with your parents
Holidays - the most wonderful (aka: stressful, frustrating, anxiety-provoking, disappointing, sad) time of the year, right?
ESPECIALLY if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). This blog covers 9 important reminders to live by to get through the holiday season feeling empowered instead of drained.
But first things first: What is CEN?
CEN is a type of relationship pattern in which a child’s emotional needs are not sufficiently met by their parent/primary caregiver. This naturally causes disconnect in the parent-child relationship and prevents a child from feeling seen, heard, accepted as they are, and like they belong; all of which are incredibly painful for any child to experience.
Why CEN continues into adulthood:
To make things worse, this type of relationship pattern often persists long after the child becomes an adult.
Why?
Because most parents have no idea that what they are doing is considered harmful.
And most children who grew up with emotional neglect often see their experience as “the norm” - therefore there’s no need to think twice about it, and certainly no need to fix anything…
until they get to adulthood and start seeing things differently.
This new way of looking at the relationship with your parents can bring up a lot of questions as well as reactions and feelings to situations that, in the past, you never even thought twice about.
And the holidays, a time that is heavily associated with being surrounded by - you guessed it: FAMILY - can bring this out even more, making this time incredibly stressful to manage.
(Cue Luisa’s song from Encanto, “Surface Pressure”)!
Here are 9 important reminders to keep in mind to help you better navigate this holiday season, and your relationship with your parents moving forward:
#1: You can’t choose your family, but you CAN choose IF, HOW, WHEN, and WHERE you interact with them.
#2: You’re no longer a child who is completely dependent upon your parent/s. You have agency now and while you can’t control your parents, you CAN control a lot of other variables this holiday.
#3: You’re not responsible for your parent’s emotions. Even if you grew up believing that you are, it’s not true. Give yourself permission to release yourself from this job that was never supposed to be yours in the first place.
#4: You’re worth having boundaries. Boundaries create safety and foster authentic connection, and they belong in ALL relationships, especially family relationships.
#5: “I don’t want to” is literally reason enough to opt out of or adjust plans. You don’t need a ‘better’ reason, nor do you need anyone’s approval, or owe anyone an explanation. You also do not have to apologize for changing up plans.
#6: This holiday is just another day - another 24 hours - meaning the parent you’ll see at holiday dinner is the same parent you see every other day of the year. Expect that they’re not going to change for this one day; they’re going to be exactly the same person - maybe even more so given how much more emotional holidays can be - and plan ahead of time for this.
#7: The dysfunction in your family is NOT YOUR FAULT! (Read that again). This didn’t start with you (or your parents, for that matter). Focus on owning the work you’re doing NOW to make sure it ends with you.
#8: No big resolutions or changes in your family will be made this holiday. So this is not the time to unpack the years of hurt you experienced, or try to get your parents to change.
#9: Last, but certainly not least - this is YOUR holiday, too! You ALSO deserve to feel happy, at peace, loved, and cared for this holiday season. It’s OK, and important, to think about what YOU want out of this time, and give yourself permission to pursue it.
Conclusion
Remember, even though your nervous system may still react to your parents the same way it did when you were a child, things ARE different now; YOU are different. You have agency and the capacity to learn and implement skills to give yourself the care and support you need to get through difficult moments. and it’s NEVER too late to learn these tools.
Even if your parents never “get it” and change, these reminders can help you move forward and not only navigate this holiday - but the relationship with your parents as a whole - with more skill, intention, and ease.
Katie Egge, LMFT & CEN Coach
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota based therapist and coach who’s passionate about helping people all over the world heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect, and learn the tools to confidently navigate difficult relationships post CEN.
