Childhood Emotional Neglect & the Holidays: 5 Key Tips to Thrive Despite a Difficult Relationship With Your Parents
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5 tips to effectively navigate the holiday season
When you hear the word “holidays” what comes to mind?
Is it words like “warmth,” “fun,” and “laughter”?
Or do words like “stress,” “disappointment,” and “frustration” sound more fitting?
I’m guessing if you’re reading this, that second option is the clear winner.
“Holidays” can be a loaded word for many people, especially those who experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) growing up.
The fact that the holidays are synonymous with family - the very source of so much pain - can cause a lot of mixed emotions. Add to it the mountain of family expectations and obligations that permeate our culture and it’s no wonder that stress is at an all time high during this time!
It can feel impossible to get through it without disappointing someone along the way. If you’re at the point right now where you just want to crawl back to bed, bury your head under the covers, and not come out until after the New Year, I get it.
Unfortunately “hibernating until January” didn’t quite make it to my list of top tips to survive the holidays, so while you’re of course welcome to do this once in a while (seriously - no judgment here!), I’ve included other tips below that can be more effective in helping you not just survive another holiday, but to actually thrive through them.
5 key tips to thrive through the holidays
Key Tip #1: Start by setting an INTENTION around what you want your holiday to be about.
This is important as it will serve as the anchor point from which all decisions regarding holiday plans are made, and it will also be used to help refocus your attention, energy, and time if things become overwhelming.
To help you identify your intention, ask yourself the following 3 questions:
What WORDS do you want to associate with the holidays?
I’m sure you already know what you DON’T want the holidays to be associated with, but have you ever stopped to think about what it is you DO want? Do you want to associate it with words like connection, acceptance, or self-love? How about the words balance, adaptability or authenticity? Take some time to reflect on what words best resonate with you and jot them down on a piece of paper.
What FEELINGS do you want to experience most during this time?
Again I’m guessing you already know what you DON’T want to feel (e.g. anxiety, stress, disappointment, annoyance, etc), but have you ever stopped to think what feelings you want to experience during this time? Would you like to feel more relaxed and joyful? Perhaps confidence is something you want to experience more of; whatever feelings come to mind - write them down on the same piece of paper as your intentions.
Who are the PEOPLE you want to spend time with?
Who are the people that mean the most to you and that you truly enjoy being around? Try to identify at least one or two key people to focus your energy and time on for each of the family gatherings you’re attending.
Key Tip #2: Set BOUNDARIES using the intentions you just set to guide you.
Read literally any article on navigating holiday stress and you’ll see ‘boundaries’ listed somewhere! And for good reason; boundaries are fundamentally necessary to help remind you that you have agency, and provides you with an action plan if things go south. The problem is that boundaries are often nonexistent in homes where CEN was present. So starting to set them can feel daunting on top of anxiety-provoking.
To help you with setting your own boundaries this holiday season - perhaps for the first time EVER - it can be helpful to break it down into these 3 categories:
Frequency: How many gatherings are you willing to attend this holiday season? One? All 4? Know that there’s no one “right” answer here; it's more important to reflect on whether or not your decision aligns with the intentions you just identified.
Duration: What is the length of time you’d like to stay at each of the family gatherings? An hour? All day or the whole weekend?
Context: This includes defining logistics like type of interaction (e.g. in person, virtual), location (e.g. stay overnight at your parents place or stay at a hotel), and content: (e.g. Conversation topics that are off-limits).
Key Tip #3: Identify your LIMITS.
Take some time to think about potential scenarios you know you’re unwilling to tolerate during the holidays and write them down. Chances are good that you know what these may be as you’ve likely already experienced them, at least to some extent. Use these past experiences to help inform and guide your holiday game plan.
Some zero-tolerance scenarios could be if your dad becomes aggressive after drinking, or if your mom continues to criticize you even after being redirected several times. Whatever your limits are, write them down. Know that they do not have to be explained or justified to anyone to be valid!
Key Tip #4: Create an EXIT STRATEGY.
Come up with an exit strategy that includes concrete details (like what you will say, how you will remove yourself from the premise, etc), and visualize yourself carrying it out. It’s also important here to give yourself permission to leave an event if need be; sometimes it can feel like we have no choice but to stay for an entire event because “it’s family/the holidays” but that’s not true.
If possible, enlist a partner or a close family member/friend that you trust to help you role play the scenario to gain more practice and confidence in implementing the plan if needed. Discuss ahead of time concrete ways they can support you (e.g. create a hand signal to cue to your support person when you need a break/to leave).
Key Tip #5: Practice CHECK INS with yourself
Make a plan to check in with how you’re feeling and what you need before, during, and after a holiday event. This is a great way to:
See if any adjustments to an upcoming plan need to be made (yes, it’s OK to change your mind based on how you’re feeling in that moment)
Help redirect your attention and energy toward the intentions that you set at the beginning of the holiday season
Validate your feelings/experiences and give yourself what you need
Process through your day and any particular stressful experience/s you had
Conclusion
CEN and the holidays can be a stressful combination! But this doesn’t automatically mean that you have to just grin and bear it; you can also thrive through it. Yes, on the outside it may look the same as past holidays, but it’s still possible to feel differently internally as you move through the season with increased skill and sense of agency.
Remember, you are not a child anymore - even though at times you may feel like it! You’re a full grown adult who has agency, options, and tools at your disposal that can help increase the chances of having a holiday YOU want despite what is happening around you.
As you start to apply these tips to your own holiday prep toolkit, remember that it takes time to implement and turn them into a practice. As always, give yourself permission to feel whatever feelings come up for you - there’s no one “right” way to feel!
Hi and welcome! I’m so glad you’re here.
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about helping people all over the world heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect, and learn the tools to confidently navigate difficult relationships post CEN.
