Childhood Emotional Neglect: Everything You Need To Know
Learn what Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is, why it’s a big deal, how it happens, common symptoms, and how to recover from it
This blog covers:
What CEN is (and isn’t)
Differences/similarities between emotional neglect & emotional abuse
What causes CEN?
Is CEN a form of trauma?
Common symptoms of CEN
FREE DOWNLOAD: Childhood Experiences Questionnaire
How can I treat CEN?
Is CEN preventable?
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is a term coined by Dr. Jonice Webb and it describes a type of relationship pattern in which a child’s emotional needs are not sufficiently met by their parent/primary caregiver. It’s important to note the word “sufficiently” here: meeting a child’s emotional needs is definitely a necessity. However, it’s impossible to meet a child’s emotional needs 100% of the time! The general goal here is to try to meet your child’s needs at least 50% of the time. I’ll be sharing more on this in future blog posts so stay tuned!
CEN is always present when abuse and physical neglect are present. However, it can also happen in families that have loving, well-intentioned parents. The thing is, most parents AND children are UNAWARE that emotional neglect is happening!
Here are 4 reasons why:
CEN is considered an “invisible” form of trauma as it doesn’t leave any visible scars
CEN often happens as a result of what DIDN’T happen in our childhood versus what did happen, so we have no recollection (aka “evidence”) or memory of it happening.
Many common parenting strategies used today are still based on outdated information about child and emotional development, which sets parents up to unknowingly and unintentionally not meet their child’s emotional needs sufficiently enough.
Kids, as a survival strategy, are hardwired to assume a parent’s good intent and see the way they were parented as the “norm” and therefore good and something that doesn’t need to be questioned.
Because of this, CEN is incredibly difficult to detect!
Differences & similarities between emotional neglect and emotional abuse
It’s important to know that emotional neglect is not the same as emotional abuse. This infographic outlines the primary differences and similarities between the two.
What causes CEN?
There are many possible reasons for why a parent is unable to sufficiently meet their child’s emotional needs, including:
A parent’s own unresolved trauma/mental health concerns that negatively impact their functioning
A parent being emotionally neglected by their own parents and not knowing and possessing emotion skills themselves (low emotional maturity of parents)
Parental substance abuse
Persistent medical condition of a parent or a sibling
Frequent physical absence of a parent due to work, school, separation, divorce
A highly distracted parent (i.e. always on their phone, ignoring their child)
Common parenting practices that are not in alignment with current research regarding how to raise emotionally healthy children
Regardless of its underlying cause, the IMPACT of CEN on a child is still valid, significant, and can negatively affect them for the rest of their life if left untreated!
Is CEN considered trauma?
YES! CEN is considered traumatic for a child to experience. I know for some people it can be very difficult to think of themselves as having experienced trauma, especially if they had parents who they believe are good people who tried their best as parents. But, stay with me:
Because emotions are the core of who we are as a human being, when our emotions aren’t sufficiently cared for, it means we aren’t being sufficiently cared for, either. Children need to have their emotional needs met through their parents because their under-developed brains aren’t able to do this work alone until much later in life. Even then, they will need emotional support as this is a lifelong need.
This means that when a child is feeling anxious, sad, or mad, for example, they need a parent to help them get through it. Not having this support is incredibly overwhelming and painful for a child to experience.
A child requires appropriate responsiveness and feedback from their parents in order to fully develop. Without this responsiveness, emotional development will be hindered. They will survive this experience, sure; but not without picking up some emotional scars and coping mechanisms along the way that can cause difficulties later in life!
How can I tell if I had CEN growing up?
While there’s no one definitive set of symptoms for Childhood Emotional Neglect, there are some that tend to be present in most cases.
Common CEN signs include:
Feelings of emptiness and loneliness
Feeling like you don’t know yourself or what you want/like/need
Difficulty accessing, and understanding your own feelings
Being easily overwhelmed by your own and/or others’ emotions
Struggles with people-pleasing and boundary setting
Low self-confidence/high self-doubt
Depression/anxiety
Thinking something is deeply ‘wrong’ with you
Feeling like you don’t belong anywhere, even in your own family
The incredibly varied list of signs is another BIG reason why CEN is difficult to detect. Instead, it can seem like there are four or five different problems happening all at once! Plus if you feel you had a “pretty good childhood” overall, it’s even more difficult to trace your symptoms back to being emotionally neglected as a child.
*BONUS: I've created a FREE Childhood Experiences Questionnaire that lists 20 experiences that are critical to healthy emotional development to help you gain insight into what may have been missing from your childhood and the impact this had on your life. This questionnaire is a valuable resource to help you begin (or continue) the process of reparenting yourself!
Is CEN treatable?
Yes! CEN is treatable!
What many people tend to do is start therapy to treat one or two of the most problematic symptoms, like anxiety or conflict in a relationship, only to unearth additional symptoms shortly after. It’s important to know that these symptoms, as unrelated as they may seem, usually all fit under the umbrella of emotional neglect. Others seek out therapy or coaching with me because they’ve recently discovered CEN, it resonated with them, and they want to work specifically with a therapist who specializes in it.
There are multiple paths toward healing; it’s all about finding what works best for you, knowing you can always add or change paths at any time. Some people choose the self-help route by reading various books on CEN or trauma recovery (check out the list of books on my Recommended Books page). Others follow social media accounts that are run by experts in this field. Wherever you’re starting from, I highly recommend Dr. Jonice Webb’s book, “Running on Empty” to give you a solid foundation of what CEN is and how to begin healing from it.
Another path is to work with a therapist who is trained in CEN. A listing of CEN-Trained therapists can be found here. I’ve found that self-help books + therapy is an effective combination as most of the clients I work with get “stuck” after a certain point of working on their own.
In my experience working specifically with CEN clients both in therapy and coaching, I’ve found that the most helpful treatment consists of the following components:
Gaining understanding of how your childhood impacts you today using a curiosity versus judgment lens
Learning the basics of healthy child and emotional development in order to identify what was missing from your childhood, and begin incorporating these missing elements into your life now
Learning the skills to access, understand, communicate, and cope with your emotions (and others’!) more effectively
Increasing relationship connection with yourself and others
Identifying your emotional needs and how to get them met
Learning communication and boundary setting skills
Developing self-compassion and a solid support system
Learning skills to effectively manage the negative thinking (inner critic) that often accompanies this experience.
If you’re looking for even more CEN info and support, be sure to check out my website or feel free to set up a quick call with me to share any questions or concerns you may have!
Is CEN preventable?
Yes, again! Childhood Emotional Neglect is preventable! The thing is, our society does little, if anything, to help set parents up with the information and support they need to do so. Plus, the “village” is non-existent for many families, which means parents are typically dealing with ALL the things, All at once, All by themselves. It can be incredibly difficult to prioritize learning anything new when we feel like we’re barely surviving as it is.
Learning the info and tools to prevent childhood emotional neglect is something I’m passionate about as it not only sets your child up to become more emotionally intelligent (which in turn increases their chances of living more meaningful and satisfying lives), it also helps parents:
Navigate the day-to-day stress of parenting without feeling as emotionally, mentally, and physically drained
Better understand their child
Respond to their child’s experiences in ways that are actually helpful, versus unintentionally (anwhatd unknowingly) harmful
Connect (and reconnect) with their child
Decrease feelings of mom/dad guilt
Learn how to get their own needs met so they can continue filling their child’s cup
Heal from their own childhood traumas and finally move forward in their life
“Either we spend time meeting our children’s emotional needs by filling their cup with love, or we spend time dealing with the behaviors caused from their unmet needs. Either way we spend the time.”
Hi, I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about helping people all over the world heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect, and learn the tools to confidently navigate their emotions, relationships and their life post-CEN.
Registration for the next Online CEN Support Group starts soon so stay tuned!
