5 Parenting Beliefs to Eliminate in Order to Heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect

This blog covers:

• What Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is

• 3 reasons why emotional neglect continues into adulthood

• Common CEN symptoms

• 5 beliefs about parents that need to be eliminated ASAP

• 3 reasons why these beliefs are holding you back from healing

Have you ever told yourself or heard someone say something like, 

“My dad yelled at me a lot, BUT I know he always had my best interest at heart.”

Or, 

“My childhood wasn’t all that great, BUT I know my parents tried the best they could.”

I’m guessing you answered “yes” because these are two of the 5 most common beliefs about parents that are ingrained in our society as truth. 

Unfortunately, they aren’t true for everyone’s parents, especially if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Holding onto these beliefs only serve to minimize the pain caused by the impact of CEN; they don’t move you forward in the healing process, though.

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is a type of relationship pattern in which a child’s emotional needs are not sufficiently met by their parent/primary caregiver. The impact of this is devastating to a child’s overall development and wellbeing.

To make matters worse, emotional neglect usually doesn’t stop once your childhood ends; it often continues well into adulthood and beyond.

Here are 3 reasons why emotional neglect continues into adulthood:

1. Most parents are completely unaware that they are emotionally neglectful, which means they aren’t going to recognize a need to change the way they engage with their now adult child. They also lack the skills to do so unless they’re intentional about learning them.

2. Most children are completely unaware that they were emotionally neglected as they often normalize whatever they grow up with as a survival tactic. As a result, they typically don’t realize that the relationship they have with their parent is unhealthy and in need of change. This is why childhood emotional neglect is considered an “invisible” form of trauma.

3. Parenting and relationships in general are still primarily influenced by outdated beliefs and norms about human development and emotions.

Although many children who were emotionally neglected may not be able to express in words what they experienced and why it was hurtful, many are still able to sense that something was “off” about their childhood..

And for many, the closer they get to adulthood, the more they notice the symptoms of being emotionally neglected, such as:

• Feelings of emptiness, even when surrounded by family/friends

• Anxiety/depression

• Low self-confidence

• Difficulty trusting yourself/others

• Hyper-independence

• Perfectionism

• Difficulty identifying your own (and others’) feelings

• Difficulty identifying your likes, wants, needs

• Emotional dysregulation

• Difficulty connecting with others

• Difficulty setting/maintaining boundaries, people-pleasing  

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And here’s the kicker:

Even though you may become increasingly aware of things that are not OK in your relationship with your parents, your parents may not share the same updated perspective.   

This means that your parents’ usual behavior may hit differently now:

Perhaps a joke they always make that used to have you ROFL is no longer funny.

Maybe you’re noticing things about them that you never even thought twice about growing up. 

Or maybe you’re looking back on some of your childhood experiences with new, less rose-tinted lenses.

Whatever it may be, this can naturally create a lot of challenges in your relationship with them now as an adult.

Healing is necessary in order to move forward and navigate these relationships in a more healthy way. In order to heal, it’s important to acknowledge what happened to you and the impact it had - and continues to have - on your life.

But the following 5 societal beliefs about parents can make healing difficult to do.

5 societal beliefs about parents that need to be eliminated in order to heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect:

1. All parents try their best 

Many parents would like to believe that they’re trying their best given their circumstances, but in reality, some do not make the effort to do their best by their child. There are many reasons for this, for example, their own trauma limiting their capacity to parent the way they would like. But bottom line, we need to start accepting the fact that this line doesn’t apply to all parents

2. A parent’s love is unconditional

Sadly, this is another false societal belief. For some parents, love toward their child is given on a conditional basis, oftentimes to make the parent feel better about themselves. This is most likely due to their own unresolved trauma. But regardless of the reason for this, it still boils down to a child feeling like their parent’s love is conditional.

3. Parents always have their child’s best interest at heart

Again, this unfortunately does not apply to all parents. Many parents are motivated by things outside of what is best for their child, such as their own reputation/image, or trying to avoid their own feelings of shame. This can be incredibly difficult to discern as, from the outside, it can appear that parents are considering what’s best for their child. For example, a parent may heavily steer their child to play baseball more so out of their own desire to relive their own childhood glory days of playing than to witness their child enjoy the sport. 

4. Parents know best

I’m sure you’ve heard this one countless times; it’s like the unspoken motto of parents around the world! But you know what? It’s. Not.True. Full stop. Oftentimes parents don’t know best - and I’m including myself here! Failing to acknowledge that we don’t always know what’s best sets parents up to blindly repeat the parenting norms in their family because it doesn’t allow for any consideration or openness to learn and apply new information.

5. Parents are the expert on their child

When you grow up with CEN, oftentimes the parents who have no clue who you are - the real you. Instead, they may only know the ‘you’ that you’ve learned to be based on what “worked” to elicit the connection and attention you needed growing up. Some other parents get stuck at a certain point in their child’s development, refusing to believe that their child has since grown and changed and likely doesn’t need them in the same ways as before. Ultimately, the only “expert” on you is, well - YOU! But society still stubbornly holds onto the belief that parents are the experts because of the prevailing notion that a child’s thoughts and feelings aren’t valid or trustworthy.

3 Reasons why these 5 beliefs prevents us from healing childhood emotional neglect:

1. It prevents us from fully acknowledging our painful experiences and the impact it had (and likely still has!) on us. 

2. It prevents us from seeing the parent in front of us as instead we only see the parent we wish we had or want to have. 

3. It prevents us from stepping into and engaging with our parent from our adult self because we’re instead being led by our childhood healing fantasy that they will finally get it and become the parent we need.

Conclusion

It’s hard for a child - or really anyone - to believe that their own parent/s didn’t live up to these 5 parenting beliefs. Crushing, in fact.

It makes sense that we want to see them as universal truths. But doing so can prevent us from fully acknowledging our painful experiences and the impact it had (and still has!) on us. It can prevent us from seeing and dealing with the parent in front of us as we instead only see the parent we wish we had/want to have.

Ultimately, it can prevent us from moving forward and healing from our childhood wounds. 

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Do you find yourself holding onto some of these beliefs with your own parents? Do you have questions or reflections about this article? If so, let’s connect; I’d love to hear from you!

“Being able to recognize your parents’ limitations and see them as real barriers versus fixable traits to the relationship you want to have is an important step toward healing and moving forward in your life.”

— Katie Egge, LMFT

Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!

I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota based therapist and coach who’s passionate about helping people all over the world heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect, and learn the tools to navigate difficult family relationships.