How Do You Feel? How to Identify Your Feelings
This blog covers:
6 reasons why you may struggle to identify your feelings
The devastating impact of not identifying your feelings
My TOP recommended tool to identify feelings
6 steps to identify your feelings
3 additional exercises to practice
How are you feeling?
Seems like an easy enough question to answer, right?
Well, according to a study done by Dr. Travis Bradberry and Dr. Jean Greaves (Emotional Intelligence 2.0 © 2009),
“Only 36% of people are able to accurately identify their own emotions as they happen” even though “our first reaction to any event will be an emotional one.”
And according to the research of Brene Brown, on average people can only identify 3 emotions in real time: Happiness, sadness, and anger. (I highly recommend her book: Atlas of the Heart for anyone wanting to learn more about emotions!)
Plus if my 12 years as a therapist has taught me anything, it’s that this question is one of the hardest to answer! Here are some responses that I often hear:
“I don’t know.”
“Good…I think.”
“OK. Is that a feeling?”
“Hmmm…I haven’t really thought about it.”
A response that has absolutely nothing to do with feelings.
Silence + deer in the headlights look
It’s pretty clear that this question isn’t so easy to answer after all!
Why do so many people struggle to identify their feelings?
Listed here are 6 reasons why you may struggle to identify your feelings.
Any of these ring true for you?
You’re not alone.
And, by the way, you very likely experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).
These childhood experiences are unfortunately all too common, even in homes that had loving, well-intentioned parents!
To be fair- this is in large part due to common parenting practices that are still deeply rooted in outdated information and beliefs regarding child development that unfortunately just set well-meaning parents up to emotionally neglect their child without their awareness.
In other words - CEN often happens unintentionally!
But like I always say:
IMPACT trumps INTENT!
Which means the IMPACT of these experiences STILL leads to the inability to identify your feelings because this is a skill set (and language!) that has to be taught, modeled and coached! (In other words, if you struggle with this skill, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!)
So, what’s the impact of not identifying your feelings?
Let me count the ways:
Inability to access, express, communicate and cope effectively with your own (and others’) feelings
Difficulty understanding your feelings (and ultimately, yourself!)
Difficulty connecting in meaningful ways with yourself and others
Indecisiveness
Difficulty knowing your emotional needs and how to get them met
Struggles with being assertive and setting boundaries
Struggles with knowing, trusting, and being yourself
On the flip side, learning to identify your feelings enables you to do all these things! Pretty cool, right?
Thankfully, identifying feelings isn’t something that you’re born with or not; it’s a skill that EVERYONE can learn with some tools, practice, and time.
How do I learn to identify my feelings?
Learning to identity feelings consists of several components:
Being in the present moment because you can only feel your feelings in the present moment
Redirecting your attention from everything around you to what’s going on within you
Increasing your feelings vocabulary
Sitting with your feelings at least once a day, and slowly increasing the frequency and duration to build your tolerance to feel your feelings, particularly the more uncomfortable ones.
Repetition + Time
Easier said then done, right?!? But hear me out: you can still start learning this TODAY:
Even if you’ve never been allowed to have or express your feelings before
Even if you grew up constantly having to scan your environment to gauge safety.
Even if you had to always live in the future to predict how a parent may feel to either prevent or elicit a certain feeling/reaction from them
Even if you immediately get overwhelmed the second you try to feel your feelings
It’s still possible to do this work!
Start by downloading this emotion tool:
The MOOD METER is hands-down the best tool out there to use if you want to learn to identify your feelings! It was created by Marc Brackett, a professor at Yale and founding director of the Yale Center of Emotional Intelligence. It’s a four-quadrant, color-coded XY graph, where X indicates your pleasantness level and Y indicates your energy level. It’s specifically designed to help you answer the question: “How do I feel?” and it does so in the same way that I teach my clients: by learning to recognize feelings as variations in both energy levels and pleasantness levels (I typically swap out the word ‘pleasantness’ with ‘comfort/discomfort’).
The great thing about this method is that you start with sensations you likely already recognize (energy and pleasantness), and then build upon it. I have yet to run across a person who can’t at least recognize one of these two sensations!
So here’s what I recommend:
Download and start using the Mood Meter as soon as you’re done reading this post while it’s top of mind! This emotion tool will be a game changer for you; I recommend it to ALL of my clients as a starting place for identifying feelings.
I know you may be asking: How is this any better than the good ‘ole emotion wheel? Fair question! I know Emotion Wheels have been the gold standard for years, but TBH - I’ve never found one that I liked because:
There were always a few words on the wheel that weren’t actually feelings but rather judgments of feelings. Yikes! We’ve got enough judgment around emotions!
The way the feelings are organized isn’t intuitive
It doesn’t incorporate the two sensations that make up ALL feelings that people can initially recognize to start the process of identifying feelings
Ultimately it’s just not a helpful starting point to learn what you’re feeling. Now if you’re already a pro at identifying feelings (aka the question “how are you feeling?” doesn’t leave you looking like a deer in headlights), then by all means - use the emotion wheel to your heart’s content!
But if you’re a newbie at this whole feeling feelings thing, use the Mood Meter. You won’t regret it - seriously!
How to use the Mood Meter to start identifying your feelings
Practice these 6 steps to identify your feelings:
Start by asking yourself: “How am I feeling right now?”
Notice (without fixing) any physical sensations, such as tension, pressure, warmth or coolness, or even nothingness.
Identifying where your energy levels are on a scale from low to high to identify which half - top or bottom - of the Mood Meter you’re at
Next, identify if what you’re feeling is more pleasant or unpleasant to experience physically, and line it up with the corresponding quadrant to help you identify which set of feeling words to focus on.
Focus on the feeling words in that particular quadrant and see if one matches what you’re experiencing. If one resonates, name it out loud: “I’m feeling annoyed.” If you’re unable to find a feeling word that resonates, that’s OK! Try a different word and see how that sits. Remember: this takes lots of trial and error!
Repeat these steps as many times a day as you can remember (HINT: It helps to write down a visual reminder to do this exercise, OR, there’s a MOOD METER APP that you can set up to ask you how you feel throughout the day!)
Important to note:
You may notice a lot of judgy, critical thoughts entering your mind while doing this exercise. Know that this is to be expected! The goal here isn’t to not think these thoughts, and thinking them doesn’t mean you’re doing this exercise wrong! TBH, these super judgy thoughts will likely be on full blast because it’s not used to you feeling anything since a big part of their job all along has been to distract you AWAY from your feelings!
So naturally they’re going to want to defend and protect you by steering you back to your usual, detached place. So when you notice one of these thoughts, acknowledge it (“Yup, I see you!”), and then practice redirecting your attention back to the physical sensations you’re experiencing in the moment.
3 Additional exercises to help you identify feelings like a pro:
Work to expand your feelings vocabulary! You can do this by simply reading through the various emotions listed on the Mood Meter, or reading a book on emotions (I have some great books listed here so be sure to check it out!)
Watch one of your favorite TV shows with the Mood Meter sitting next to you. Then, every so often when you notice a character expressing a big emotion, pause the show and ask yourself how they may be feeling in that moment, using the Mood Meter to to guide you.
If you enjoy reading, take a moment every so often to reflect on how a character in the book may be feeling. Books can be a great resource for identifying feelings as the text often literally spells out the physical sensations and expressions a character may be experiencing.
“Although many of us may think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, biologically we are feeling creature that think.”
Conclusion
Identifying your feelings is like learning a second language, so try to be patient with yourself along the way. Starting this journey may open up the floodgates to a whole bunch of other intense emotions all at once. Know that this is quite common as you begin to heal, which is why it’s important to allow for intentional breaks from feeling your feelings, too!
Healing is a RELATIONAL process. If possible, lean on your support system and reach out for additional support anytime. I’m here for you, ready to support you however you need.
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota based therapist and coach who’s passionate about helping people all over the world heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect, and learn the tools to confidently navigate difficult relationships post CEN.
