The 4 S’s Every Child Needs To Be Securely Attached & Emotionally Intelligent
This blog covers:
The definition of secure attachment
The 4 S’s of secure attachment: why they’re important and how to fulfill them
The connection between secure attachment & emotional intelligence
Conclusion
“I had a good childhood, so I’m not sure why I’m so unhappy.”
Have you ever said or thought this?
As a therapist/coach who specializes in treating Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), I hear some variation of this statement from just about ALL of my clients!
And yes, many people have “good” childhoods…if your only criteria for a “good childhood” is having your physical needs met.
Your emotional needs also have to be met.
The 4 core emotional needs are:
Safe (both physically AND emotionally)
Seen
Soothed
Secure
(BTW, this also applies to romantic relationships, not just parent-child relationships! So KEEP READING even if you don’t have kids because this is vital for ALL romantic relationships!)
Before I break down each of the 4 S’s and share how to meet each of these needs for your child, let’s define secure attachment and explain why it’s important for ALL children.
What is secure attachment
Secure attachment is one of 4 styles of relationship bonds that a child can have with their parent/caregiver. The other styles include: Avoidant, Ambivalent, and Disorganized Attachment. Secure attachment is the healthiest of the 4 bonds, and is characterized by the following:
A sense of warmth and comfort when around the parent
A feeling of being safe, connected, and protected by the parent, even if the parent is not right next to the child
The presence of consistent and predictable interactions and daily experiences
A sense of belonging
The 4 attachment styles each impact us in profound ways throughout our entire life, which is why having a secure attachment style is critical.
The 4 S’s of Secure Attachment
1. SAFE:
Emotional safety is EQUALLY as important as - and intrinsically tied to - physical safety. When we feel emotionally safe, we are protected from feelings of complete emotional overwhelm. More importantly, our parent is not a chronic source of our overwhelm. We want to remember that due to a child’s underdeveloped brain, their threshold for overwhelm is quite low. Feeling overwhelmed - regardless of the reason or the source - is a terrifying experience for a child to go through, especially if they’re then left to deal with it alone, which is often what happens in CEN homes.
Why feeling safe is important:
Feeling emotionally safe is important because it enables a child to expend energy toward exploring themselves and the world, trying new things, and forming healthy relationships outside of the home. It allows them to “be themself” without fear of being punished. If a child feels chronically unsafe at home, they instead spend all of their energy trying to create safety, usually by enlisting the help of defensive mechanisms.
How to help your child feel emotionally safe:
Allow and encourage the expression of ALL feelings,wants, and needs without judgment, criticism, or punishment
Allow and encourage your child to share opposing wishes and perspectives (remember, there’s no such thing as backtalk; it’s just a conversation!)
Try to respond (versus react) to your child with warmth and curiosity versus harshness and criticism, especially when they do something you don’t like.
Give your child the benefit of the doubt versus assuming worst intent. It’s helpful to practice avoiding labeling behaviors as “bad/mean/unkind/rude/disrespectful” as these labels assume that your child is trying to be “mean” or “unkind”, which is never the case.
Respect their “No” (aka boundary) as often as safely possible.
2. SEEN:
Feeling seen means to have your thoughts, feelings, and experiences noticed, validated, and inquired after.
Why feeling seen is important:
Feeling seen enables a child to trust their own feelings and perceptions, which - contrary to what mainstream society believes - is the foundation for building self-confidence. It also reinforces their sense of identity and worth when someone pays attention to and takes a genuine interest in them as a person.
How to help your child feel seen:
As Ted Lasso says, Be curious, not judgmental” about your child’s inner world by regularly asking your child questions about their inner world beyond the generic, “How was your day?”
Ask follow-up questions about how they feel/think about something. (eg. “How did that make you feel?” “What did you think about __?” “How did you think that turned out?”)
Be responsive to your child as often as possible. Even if you can’t stop what you’re doing to attend to them in that moment, you can still verbally acknowledge that you hear them, are interested in what they have to say, and will be with them in ___ minutes or so.
Actively listen to your child by giving them your undivided attention and reflecting their words back.
Validate your child with statements like: “That makes sense.” “I can see why you feel that way.” “I believe you.”
Once in a while, ask if YOU can play with THEM versus the other way around. Then let them lead the activity. Even if it’s just for 5 minutes a few times a week, it counts!
Notice and acknowledge effort, strengths, and needs. (e.g. “I noticed you picked up the toys in the living room!” “You worked really hard on that painting.” “It seems like that was really upsetting to you, which makes sense. Do you need a hug?”)
3. SOOTHED:
Feeling soothed means to not be left alone to deal with emotional distress. This requires a parent to offer closeness and comfort through a process called co-regulation.
Why feeling soothed is important:
Being soothed by a parent/caregiver growing up is what helps a child find their calm again as they’re unable to find it on their own due to their underdeveloped brain. Experiencing repeated soothing teaches kids that it’s OK, normal, and healthy to feel feelings, have emotional needs, and ask for/receive support from others. In addition, they learn that all feelings are manageable, and how to cope with and regulate them in effective ways. This keeps the connection between themself and their own emotions open, which is critical for them to be able to get to know and understand themselves, and navigate their life with more authenticity and confidence.
How to help your child feel soothed:
Practice staying calm yourself. Emotions are contagious so your child can sense when you’re not calm, which then adds to their dysregulation.
Consistently respond with warmth, acknowledgment and validation when your child is distressed, even if you don’t understand or agree with their feelings/perspective. This can sound like, “You were really disappointed that ___ happened. That makes sense.”
Stay next to/near your child through the entirety of their emotional experience without trying to distract, set a time limit, or shut down their feelings.
Refrain from reassuring them that things will “Be OK/They’re OK/It’ll all work out”. Instead, reassure your child that you love them no matter what they’re feeling, you’re there for them, and that you’ll get through this experience together.
4. SECURE:
Feeling secure means to have a sense of who you are, where you stand in the relationship, along with a sense of predictability in the world.
Why feeling secure is important:
Feeling secure enables a child to trust and depend on others, and navigate relationships and their life with more confidence.
How to help your child feel secure:
Maintain consistent daily routines and rituals for predictability (this helps reduce anxiety).
If there is an upcoming change, (eg. First time at the dentist or first day of school) initiate conversations about it to discuss what will be happening before, during and and after it happens. Role play the scenarios through play.
Hold true to your word by holding the boundaries you set (e.g. If you say that the bedtime routine consists of 3 stories, stick to 3 stories).
Model healthy relationship skills, including effective conflict resolution. If you have an argument with a partner/family member /friend, etc, assure your child that you and the other person are OK, you’re working through it together, and that your child is safe even when there’s conflict happening around them.
Make relationship repair attempts after each rupture in connection with your child
The connection between secure attachment and emotional intelligence
You may be wondering: “What does feeling securely attached have to do with emotional intelligence?”
My answer: EVERYTHING!
When we are securely attached to our parent/caregiver, we don’t have to use up our energy to create safety at home just to survive. This means we are able to put energy toward learning and practicing new things, such as emotional intelligence skills! (Yes, emotional intelligence is a skill set that has to be learned, it doesn’t just happen on its own!)
Even more importantly, when a parent sufficiently meets these 4 S’s of secure attachment, their child is directly witnessing healthy communication, expression, and regulation of emotions, which serve as a valuable model for a child to (eventually) do the same for themself as they get older.
“While every child is different, every child has the same 4 core emotional needs that must be met in order to become securely attached and emotionally intelligent.”
Conclusion
Having the 4 S’s of secure attachment and emotional intelligence fulfilled is critical for ALL children’s development. But rest assured you don’t have to meet these needs every time as a parent; that’s not only impossible, it’s also not the goal of good parenting!
Now there are MANY barriers that prevent us from providing these 4 S’s to our child, many of which aren’t our fault! The two most common barriers I see are:
Lack of education on this topic
Lack of experiences receiving this yourself growing up
We all know it’s impossible to give something to others we ourselves never received UNLESS you have the self-awareness that things can be done differently, the curiosity to learn a different way, and the determination and courage to make it happen.
The key thing to note with these 4 S’s is that they are all VERBS, which means they are all ACTIONS that must be carried out through a parent’s words/behaviors. This means - thankfully - that they are all things you can learn to do now…even if you never had a parent do this for you growing up!
If you’re reading this blog, I know you’re motivated to make a change and have what it takes to do so! And I’ve got you the rest of the way through the education, skills, and support I provide in my therapy, coaching, and support group services.
Reach out by clicking the button above and let’s chat to see how I can support you in your goal to break the cycle of Childhood Emotional Neglect. Let’s do this together!
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect.
Book a free consult to start moving forward in your life with more confidence and authenticity starting today!
