Not All Parents “Try Their Best” - 7 Reasons to Banish This Phrase
This blog covers:
7 Reasons why the phrase: “All parents try their best” needs to be banned
Have you ever shared about your difficult childhood and was told, “Well, your parents tried their best!”?
Did your own parent say this to you???
This phrase is such a common response (and belief!) in our society anytime an adult child shares basically anything “negative” about their childhood.
And I’m here to say - this phrase has never been helpful and has got to go ASAP!
7 Reasons why the phrase: “All parents try their best” needs to be banned:
1. It’s not true
Yup, I said it and I’m standing by it! While this statement may be true for some parents, it’s not true for ALL parents. Blindly assuming it’s a universal truth dismisses the experiences of many others who had a different reality growing up.
2. It’s used as a defense
Far too often this phrase is said by a parent to defend themself from the discomfort and pain of being told how their parenting negatively impacted their child. (It’s also commonly used by many other “well-intentioned” folks who are trying to be supportive). I understand that it’s not exactly fun for a parent to hear how their parenting hurt their child, but this isn’t an attack; it’s a child’s attempt to make the relationship better and KEEP THEIR PARENT IN THEIR LIFE!
3. It’s highly invalidating
This response is invalidating because it shifts attention and support AWAY from the adult child’s feelings and experience. Remember, when we invalidate someone’s feelings or experience, we are essentially invalidating them as a person. And it’s hard to have a connected and meaningful relationship with someone who actively denies your feelings and experiences.
4. It shuts down conversation
This statement is a conversation STOPPER as it does not allow safe emotional space for the adult child to fully share and have their truth heard and validated.
5. It blocks connection
When invalidation is used, it creates emotional unsafety, which blocks relationship connection. Remember, we can’t defend ourselves and connect with someone else at the same time.
6. It prevents positive change in the parent-adult child relationship
Because there’s no safe emotional space for conversation to happen, there’s no opportunity to discuss what can be done to improve the relationship. It also absolves parents from taking responsibility for what they did/didn’t do that hurt their child, and real change only happens when we take accountability for our actions.
7. It can block healing
When we hold on to this belief ourselves, it limits our ability to fully acknowledge our lived experiences. This automatically limits our ability to deal with the impact of these painful experiences, which then limits our ability to heal from them because we can’t heal from something we never deal with.
“When an adult child makes the courageous decision to share with their parent how that parent hurt them growing up, it’s not an attack on the parent. It’s an attempt to make the relationship better and KEEP THEIR PARENT IN THEIR LIFE! ”
Conclusion
We’re wired from birth to believe that all parents try their best. But this belief is not true for all people, and does more harm than good, even when said by well-intentioned people. Letting go of this belief can be incredibly painful as it often brings up a lot of other questions and conflicting feelings around why we experienced the hardships we did growing up. But rewiring your brain to accept that not all parents try their best is a powerful shift that can open the door to your healing.
NEXT CEN SUPPORT GROUP STARTS SOON!
Feeling like you’re one in nearly 8 billion people struggling with your relationship with your parents? Join the CEN Support Group to meet others who actually understand what this is like and how challenging it can be to navigate. The next group starts Tuesday, October 1st and runs for 8 weeks - perfect timing to help you tackle the upcoming holiday stress with confidence and skill.
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect.
Book a free consult to start moving forward in your life with more confidence and authenticity starting today!
