Is My Parent Emotionally Immature? 11 Key Signs To Look For
This blog covers:
5 Causes of emotional immaturity
11 Key signs of emotional immaturity in parents
“I do so much for my parents, but it never feels like it’s enough for them. I don’t know what else to do.”
“My dad has never apologized to me.”
“My parents were both highly respected in our community. No one would have believed me if I told them what they were like as parents.”
“Every time I tried to talk to my mom about something I was going through, it somehow always came back to her and how it made her feel.”
“I thought my mom would be happy for me when I got engaged, but she turned into a nightmare - calling me selfish and ungrateful, and started saying really mean things to me. I was so surprised by this. And hurt. It almost ruined my wedding.”
Can you relate to any of these statements?
Unfortunately, if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), these experiences are often the norm, not the exception. And it can be deeply bewildering and painful to go through, as well as incredibly lonely!
CEN occurs due to having parents who are emotionally immature or emotionally underdeveloped. There are various reasons why some parents never mature emotionally, such as:
Unhealed trauma
Their parents (your grandparents) didn’t teach and model emotional intelligence skills to your parents because they were emotionally immature themselves.
Lack of research - and lack of access to research - on emotional intelligence and how to help children learn emotion skills
Outdated parenting norms that shut down emotional expression in people, particularly children, which blocks emotional development
Finally, becoming emotionally mature requires a big change, and change is scary. And emotionally immature parents fear emotions, especially fear!
Having an emotionally immature parent can feel a bit like being on a rollercoaster…blindfolded.
It can feel like there’s no predictability (aka you’re never “safe”).
There’s no rhyme or reason for the things they do or say, no matter how much you ruminate and try to explain it to yourself.
And it can be utterly draining.
Learning how to EFFECTIVELY navigate a relationship like this requires several things, one of which is learning the common signs of emotional immaturity.
11 Common signs of emotional immaturity in parents:
They fear feelings and do everything they can to avoid or shut them down, even positive feelings
They don’t make relationship repair attempts
They believe that being your parent automatically entitles them to certain things, like respect, your time, your attention, etc
They lack boundaries (enmeshment is common)
They are rigid in their thinking and struggle with perspective taking
They demand understanding and empathy (mirroring)
They expect you to take care of their feelings and needs (role reversal)
They fear vulnerability and emotional connection
They are unable to effectively regulate and cope with their feelings, or anyone else’s
They are unaware of and unable to adequately meet your emotional needs
They adhere to and operate out of a role that they play versus showing up authentically as themselves regardless of who’s around them
Want more information on emotionally immature parents? I HIGHLY recommend the book: “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson. It’ll be a game changer for your healing process!
“It’s not your fault that your parent was unable to meet your needs growing up.”
Conclusion
Knowing the classic signs of emotional immaturity is a critical step toward effectively navigate these difficult (and often painful) relationships because it enables you to readjust your expectations and your boundaries in realistic ways that don’t compromise your values and sense of self.
Tell me, does your parent do any of these things listed?
Want more support to help you navigate this complicated relationship with your parent?
I got you. The Online CEN Support Group for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents starts 10/1/2024! It’s a place to get the support from others who can 100% relate to your struggles (without the judgment) and are just as motivated as you are to go from feeling “stuck” to empowered to make a change in the relationship.
No more waiting around, hoping your parent will change, only to be repeatedly disappointed when they don’t.
This group provides the support, information, and skills you need (but didn’t get growing up) to take charge of your relationship and move forward…even if your parent never changes.
Click the link to schedule a FREE CONSULT and learn more about the group. Space is limited to help encourage connection and sharing, so reach out today to ensure a spot!
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect.
Learn more about Katie.
