Emotional Needs: What Are They, Why We Need Them + 3 Steps to Identify Them)
This blog covers:
The definition of emotional needs
Why emotional needs are important
5 Facts about emotional needs
7 core emotional needs we ALL share
How to identify your emotional needs in 3 steps
What are emotional needs?
Do you ever feel “guilty” asking for what you need? Do you question whether or not you’re “expecting too much” in your relationships?
If you answered yes to these questions, there’s a good chance that you experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), which is characterized by a parent’s failure to sufficiently meet their child’s emotional needs.
So…What are emotional needs?
Here’s the definition:
According to the Medical Dictionary, emotional needs are a “psychological or mental REQUIREMENT” that enable us to not only survive, but to also thrive in life.
To say that emotional needs are just as important as physical needs is an understatement! When we don’t get them met, it can contribute to both mental and physical struggles that negatively impact our overall quality of life. Here’s a breakdown of why emotional needs are important:
Getting our emotional needs met enables us to:
Feel seen and cared for
Feel accepted, loved, and valued for who we are
Set boundaries
Affirm our identity
Show up fully in our relationships
Maintain healthy relationships
Connect with others (including ourself!)
5 facts about emotional needs:
Emotional needs are:
Universal
Non-negotiable
A need, not a want
Something we don’t pick and choose (and we can’t opt out of them!)
Essential to our wellbeing and individual + relational effectiveness & happiness
There are many different emotional needs, and each one of us differs in the specific needs we have and the importance we place on them. But there are some common CORE emotional needs that we ALL share:
7 core emotional needs we ALL have:
Safety
Autonomy/freedom
To be seen and heard
To be accepted as we are
To be understood
Connection
Belonging
When you grow up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), you grow up not having your emotional needs sufficiently met. Chances are good that you also grow up believing you shouldn’t have them in the first place.
In fact, even asking for BASIC ESSENTIAL NEEDS, like safety and connection, can feel like you’re asking for too much.
It can make you think your expectations are too high.
This leads to:
Never learning what your emotional needs are.
Which leads to:
Never learning how to communicate them to others.
Which leads to:
Never getting your emotional needs met as a child, and then as an adult.
So, how do you start identifying what your emotional needs are?
Here’s how:
3 steps to identify your emotional needs:
Start by reflecting on times when you’ve felt offended or hurt by others in the past.
Ask yourself: What about these experiences made them so hurtful? Are there any recurring themes?
It can be helpful to try to recall any recurring thoughts or feelings that come up in these past situations. For example, perhaps you keep finding yourself thinking, “They never listen to me!” or “I can’t trust anyone!.” Or maybe you often feel “invisible,” “disrespected,” or like you “have no control over anything in your life.” Whatever the thoughts/feelings are, write them down.
Download the Emotional Needs Checklist, and try to match up the thoughts/feelings with one or two of the emotional needs that are listed, and write these emotional needs down.
For example, the thought, “They never listen to me” may reflect an emotional need to be heard or respected. Whereas the feeling of being “invisible" may reflect a need to be seen or to belong.
“Emotional needs don’t end when childhood ends.”
Conclusion
Learning to identify your emotional needs can seem daunting, but it is doable! (This exercise is a great one to try along with the feelings identification exercise which can be found in this blog as feelings are what helps us identify our emotional needs!)
Give this 3-step process a try and let me know how it goes by commenting below or emailing me at katie@connecttherapymn.com.
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about helping people all over the world heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect, and learn the tools to confidently navigate emotions, relationships, and their life post-CEN.
