13 Ways To Break the Cycle of Childhood Emotional Neglect and Abuse In Your Family Starting Today
EVERY parent I’ve ever worked with as a trauma therapist has told me that they worry about passing their trauma onto their child.
They then ask me: “How do I break the cycle?”
If you’re also looking for concrete ways to break the cycle of childhood neglect and trauma in your own family and raise emotionally healthy children, keep reading!
13 Ways To Break the Cycle of Childhood Emotional Neglect & Abuse In Less Than 10 Minutes A Day
Provide CO-REGULATION when your child is experiencing big feelings. Co-regulation is the process of helping someone else regain calm by providing them with your calming presence and connection. Children cannot self-regulate until starting around age 5 years old - much later than most people think! And even then, they will need lots of consistent co-regulation throughout their entire childhood. (Fun Fact: Co-regulation is a lifelong human need!)
Show your child what taking ACCOUNTABILITY looks and sounds like, and APOLOGIZE when you make mistakes. If we want our child to learn to take accountability and make genuine apologies, we must first model this for them repeatedly! Remember, children learn by doing what we do.
Use NATURAL CONSEQUENCES instead of punishments. For example, instead of sending your child to timeout for throwing toys or banning TV when they refuse to pick up their room, implement a natural consequence like removing the toy so it can no longer be thrown, or allowing them to see how much harder it is to keep things from breaking or getting lost when it’s left on the floor. Bottom line: Punishments do NOT work!
Allow your child to “TALK BACK” to you. Here’s the thing: there’s no such thing as “talking back”! Rather it’s just a regular conversation that consists of two people sharing a difference of opinion, wants, and/or needs. If we want our child to not be a doormat and instead be able to speak their mind and be assertive, they need to be able to practice this with us first!
Have DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS of your child. There is a substantial expectation gap between what parents think their child can do and what they are actually developmentally capable of doing. This is mostly due to a severe lack of information on basic child development and flat-out misinformation on this topic. Learning what the scientific research says is critical for ensuring your expectations are realistic versus setting your child up for failure (and a lifetime of shame). It also enables you to respond to their mistakes and resistance with compassion and teaching versus punishment.
Set and enforce HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Boundaries belong in ALL relationships, especially family relationships! There are 7 types of boundaries, and all of them must be modeled, coached, and taught in order for your child to grow up know how to have boundaries in their own life.
Provide UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, KINDNESS, AND AFFECTION. All too often these experiences are contingent upon a child’s behavior/attitude; if they’re behaving good, kindness and affection are freely given. But if they’re acting out, these experiences are frequently withheld. It’s important for kids to know that they are still lovable and worthy of being treated well, especially when they are struggling.
RESPECT your child. Children are deserving of respect just as much as any adult, but they’re often not given it due to mainstream but outdated parenting norms.
Provided VALIDATION of their emotions and thoughts. Validation is a vital life skill yet many of us are never taught how to do it. This means most of us get it wrong, despite our best intentions! Although invalidation is often unintentional, the impact is still hurtful and can cause significant relationship issues if it’s a common occurrence. If you’re interested in learning this essential skill, check out my FREE Validation 101 Guide (You’ll thank me later)!
Offer ENCOURAGEMENT and SAFE SPACE for your child to be their authentic self. This means acknowledging and showing non-judgmental support and genuine interest in their ideas, beliefs, perspectives, wants and needs, etc.
Give your child 5-10 minutes of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION at least once a day. Put your phone away - out of sight and reach as the temptation to glance down when your phone buzzes is just too great if it’s on you!
Assume BEST INTENT whenever your child makes a mistake. It’s so easy to ‘assume’ your upset toddler is trying to hurt you when they kick you, or your 4-year-old is being intentionally refusing to share their toy, or your 6-year-old is lying on purpose to get out of trouble. Again, these assumptions are fueled by a lack of education and misinformation about child development. Learning correct information on this topic enables us to assume best intent, which then allows us to respond in more effective ways to our child.
Invest in HEALING yourself! This is the foundation from which the first 12 practices can be accomplished! Healing doesn’t need to be done prior to having children; you can parent your child while simultaneously reparenting and healing your inner child.
Ever wanted to support someone you care about but didn’t know what to say to help? Or feel like everything you actually do say seems to make things worse, not better? I get it. Really! It can be difficult to know how to respond in a way that conveys your support without it backfiring!
This is primarily because most of us never learn the skill of validation at home or in school, despite the fact that this is probably the MOST important skill to learn! As a result, we often INVALIDATE others all the time despite our best intentions!
If this happens once in a while, it likely won’t cause any lasting damage in our relationships. But if it’s chronic - which is often the case - it can lead to significant relationship problems. Which is why I created the FREE DOWNLOAD: 11 Most Common Types of Invalidation + How to Respond Instead.
This guide is packed with a complete education on validation that you needed growing up but didn’t get, plus provides common examples of how we unintentionally invalidate others. The last section lists concrete ideas on what Validation sounds like so you can start practicing it yourself and those you care about the most the moment you download the guide!
“So many adult children have been programmed to believe that they have to earn love through overextending
themselves and not being true to who you are.”
Conclusion
Breaking the cycle of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and abuse in your family can seem daunting, but it is 100% possible! Know that you’re not alone in this experience, nor do you have to navigate your healing journey alone. In fact, as the wise Brene Brown always says, we were never meant to do this work alone.
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that her clients need - but didn’t get growing up - to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect. Katie works with adult individuals, couples, and families, + leads a virtual Support Group for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
BOOK A FREE CONSULT with me today to start moving forward in your life with more clarity, confidence, and authenticity.
