10 Common Parenting Phrases That Are Banned In My House (+ How To Respond Instead), Part 1
This blog covers:
5 (of 10) Common parenting phrases that are banned in my house and why
Alternate responses to use instead
There’s so much noise out there about parenting (especially from our own families, amiright?!?) - that it can be incredibly overwhelming to know what to believe, who to follow, and what to do. And let’s be real: no one has time (or energy!) to read parenting books in the midst of just trying to get from one dinner to the next!
Before I share the first 5 of 10 banned parenting phrases, I want to emphasize that the purpose of this blog isn’t for you to tally up how many of these phrases you use and then silently judge yourself the rest of the day. (This is meant to be a judgment and shame-free space!) Rather the purpose is twofold:
Shed light on how common parenting practices used - and encouraged - today do not support healthy emotional development or secure parent-child attachment
Give you quick, easily digestible and practical tips to help you feel empowered and confident in your ability to align your intentions with your impact as a parent, and to continue breaking those generational patterns in your own family.
Let’s do this!
5 (of 10) Common parenting phrases that are BANNED in my house (and how to respond instead):
“Use your words.”
Why this is banned: Trust me - if children could actually ‘use their words’ when they were feeling dysregulated, they would because it would save them from a LOT of frustration and disconnect from a parent! Here’s the thing: when a child is dysregulated, their ability to access words is offline, which means they literally cannot use them, at least not effectively. (BTW, the same holds true for us adults!) So when we tell a child to “use their words,” we are asking them to do something they are just not capable of doing. This only adds to their dysregulation, making them feel unheard, and - over time - can lead to feelings of deep insecurity as they start to believe that something is wrong with them.
How to respond instead: First, try to remind yourself that your child is not able to access words effectively in this moment and this is normal. Then take a deep breath. Next, reflect back to them what you think they’re trying to say - leading with the feeling they may be experiencing in that moment - and then validate it:: “Sounds like you’re feeling frustrated about ___; that makes sense.” This provides them with a solid model of how to (eventually) communicate more effectively when feeling dysregulated. Children cannot be what they do not see (amazing quote by Lael Stone!), so if you want them to be effective communicators, it starts with US being effective communicators.
“You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”
Why this is banned: This response teaches children that only certain emotions are acceptable and other emotions - like frustration, disappointment, sadness, and anger - are bad and not OK to express. This is concerning as it can make them more likely to keep quiet when something happens that they don’t like, including mistreatment/abuse. (Yup, I said it! No sugar-coating here!) It also limits their ability to learn how to effectively cope with these big feelings since we can only learn to deal with the emotions we’re allowed to feel and express.
How to respond instead: Acknowledge their feelings, name them, and validate them. There’s ALWAYS a reason for feelings, and they are ALWAYS valid, even if we don’t understand or agree with it. ”You really wanted the blue cup and you didn’t get it. It makes sense you’re really disappointed about that!” Think about how you feel if something didn’t go your way; would you want your friend or partner to tell you: “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit!”? I’m going to go ahead and assume the answer to that is a big “HELL NO!”; so why are we saying this to children?
”You’re fine/OK.”
Why this is banned: Telling a child that they’re “fine” when they’re not feeling fine is - to put it plainly - gaslighting. And we all know what gaslighting does to a person: it creates self-doubt, insecurity, confidence issues, people-pleasing, inability to set boundaries, the list goes on. I’ve heard parents tell me that they say this because they believe their child is looking to them to see if they’re OK, and these parents are trying to just help them understand that they’re safe. But I’m here to tell you that gaslighting fundamentally hampers a child’s ability to trust themselves. This sets them up to rely on or defer to what other people think and feel about a situation. Bottom line: it’s not OK to say “You’re OK!” to someone who is not OK!
How to respond instead: Ask questions, like: “Are you OK?” “Was that sad/scary/frustrating/etc?” Being curious will never do you wrong here! However your child responds, VALIDATE it!
”Calm down!”
Why this is banned: “Never, in the history of calming down, has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down.” (This holds true for adults AND children alike!) In addition, children can’t calm down by themselves because they don’t have the developmental ability yet to be able to do this skill. Plus, they won’t develop the ability to self-soothe until around age 4-5. Even when they hit that age, they will still need to experience being sufficiently soothed through the process of co-regulation with their parent repeatedly for several more years in order for them to soothe themselves with any consistency or efficacy! (And let’s be real: co-regulation is a LIFELONG need). When we tell our child to “calm down,” we are inadvertently setting them up to fail because they are literally incapable of doing this alone. This adds to their dysregulation.
How to respond instead: Focus on calming YOURSELF first. There’s no way your child can become calm if you’re not calm because kids pick up on and feed off our emotional state. Next, name and validate their feelings (eg. “I can see you’re feeling really mad right now; it’s OK to feel mad.”) Then let them know that you’re there to help them through their big feelings and stay with/near them until their feeling passes. This teaches them 2 things about emotions that are critical to effective coping:
1. All emotions come and go on their own.
2. All emotions are tolerable.
Note: Some kids do not like having their feelings validated in the moment as it can feel too vulnerable. In these situations, I encourage parents to tell their child they are here for them and then stay Quiet, Close, and Calm. For example, you could say “I’m here for you,” then sit close or nearby while staying quiet and taking deep breaths to keep yourself calm. In general, LESS IS MORE! Meaning the bigger the emotions of the child, the less words needed from parent to get through it effectively.
“No arguing/backtalk!”
Why this is banned: This is a big one, so let’s break it down. First, I want to ask you this question: If our child simply just agreed to stop playing, for example, to go brush their teeth for bed like we are expecting them to, we wouldn’t call that arguing or backtalk, would we? Of course not! It’s only when our child is expressing an OPPOSING thought or want that we call it arguing or backtalk. But to be really clear, it’s simply a response, just like agreement is a type of response. Essentially, it’s all part of conversing with someone. THIS is why backtalk does not exist! But when we label responses that go against our own agenda: “arguing/backtalk,” and tell them that this is not allowed, our child learns these 5 things:
1. It’s not OK to have differing perspectives/wishes.
2. What I think/want isn’t important or valid.
3. It’s not OK to voice my perspective/wish, especially if it conflicts with someone else’s.
4. My own perspective/wish is not important, or at least not as important as someone else’s.
5. It’s best to keep silent to avoid punishment/keep the peace.
This sets them up to not speak up for themselves (assertiveness? What’s that?!?), especially with anyone who has differing thoughts/wants. This means they’re more likely to blindly follow along and potentially be subjected to mistreatment. I know this is not what parents intend to teach their child. But - like I always say - Impact trumps intent. BOTTOM LINE: there is no such thing as backtalk/arguing! It’s just conversation.
How to respond instead: I highly encourage you to first explore why arguing/backtalk is a trigger for you. It likely stems from your own childhood and how your parents reacted to you when you shared an opposing perspective. Were you often told “No arguing/backtalk!”? Was there an unspoken rule in your family that you don’t argue with them? Was backtalk seen as “disrespectful” or “rude”? (I realize I probably opened up a whole can of worms with that question, but that’s a whole other blog!). Next, when your child expresses an opinion or want that goes against yours, practice taking a deep breath and reframing the situation from “she’s arguing with me” to “she’s just sharing her opinion with me, and it happens to be different than mine!.” Then, THANK them for sharing their thoughts with you and remind them that their perspective is always welcome. This could sound like: “Hmmm sounds like you’re saying that [repeat their thought or wish back to them using a calm tone to model how you want them to eventually express themselves), is that right? Thanks for sharing your thoughts on that, you bring up a good point.” Finally, VALIDATE their perspective - yes, even if you disagree with it or it doesn’t make sense! - because to THEM it’s important, valid, and makes perfect sense. Validation here could sound like: “That makes sense why you want to do __” or “I can see why you think that way.” Later on you can revisit this conversation to talk about how they can practice communicating their ideas in more effective ways. But in all honesty, the BEST way for them to learn effective communication is by YOU MODELING it for them!
“Never, in the history of calming down, has anyone EVER calmed down by being told to calm down.”
Conclusion
The first 5 of 10 phrases mentioned here are COMMON parenting phrases that have existed for generations, so if you find yourself using them, IT MAKES SENSE! We often parent how we were parented because, well, it’s what we know, right? And if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), parenting is even more challenging because you have no concrete model of what it looks and sounds like to sufficiently meet a child’s emotional needs. I want you to know I’m so glad you’re here. Your presence alone tells me you’re a good parent who is continually trying, and that’s what matters!
Common Parenting Phrases That Are BANNED In My House: Part 2 will be posted soon, so stay tuned!
Questions? Feedback? Email me anytime at katie@connecttherapymn.com. I’d love to hear from you.
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect, and live the life they want.
*Want the support of a group of others who just “get it” and are motivated to learn and heal after growing up with CEN? Then the 8-week CEN Support Group could be a great fit for you!
