7 Most Common Types of Invalidations + How to Validate
This blog covers:
Why invalidation is the norm in our society
What validation/invalidation is
7 Most common types of invalidation
Examples of validation
Best hack to ensure you’re being validating vs invalidating
Have you ever shared about a stressful situation and was told:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re just overthinking it!”
“Why don’t you just ___.”
“At least ___ didn’t happen!”
I’m guessing you’re emphatically nodding along because - seriously - who hasn’t experienced this?
Unfortunately, invalidation is still the NORM in our society. This is due to 4 big reasons:
Most of us never learn how to validate
Many types of invalidations are disguised as validations
Lack of universal awareness of the importance of validation
Tendency to parent how we were parented, so if invalidation was common growing up, we often (unknowingly) repeat this with our own kids
The impact of being invalidated is significant and, at times, debilitating - negatively impacting the way you handle your emotions, show up in your relationships, and live your life overall.
Learning to validate is an essential LIFE SKILL. But before we talk about how to validate, we need to first define it.
What is validation and invalidation?
Validation: Validation is a response that communicates to self/others that our/someone else's feelings, thoughts, and perceptions are real, valid, and acceptable.
Invalidation: Validation is a response that communicates to self/others that our/someone else's feelings, thoughts, and perceptions are NOT real, valid, or acceptable.
Notice that validation does NOT mean you agree with, or even understand, the other person’s thoughts or feelings. In addition, validation and invalidation can be done through both words AND body language.
7 Most common types of invalidation:
Telling you how to feel
“Calm down!”
“Don’t worry!”
“Cheer up!”
Don’t be sad!”
Defending yourself/other:
“I didn’t mean it!”
“It was just a joke.”
“I’m sure they were just trying to be nice.”
Minimizing:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re just overreacting.”
“This won’t matter in a year.”
Gaslighting:
“You’re fine / OK!”
“It’s all in your head.”
“That’s not what really happened.”
“You’re just too sensitive.”
“No one else sees it like that.”
Toxic positivity:
“It could always be worse!”
“It made me stronger.”
“There’s always a reason/silver lining!
“At least ___ didn’t happen!”
“Just focus on the positive.”
Problem-solving:
“You should/shouldn’t ___”
“Have you tried ___?”
“If I were you, I’d ___.”
“Just let it go.”
Body language
Eye rolling
Lack of / divided attention
Annoyed / exasperated expression
Abruptly changing the subject / ending the conversation
How to validate + examples:
To validate, it’s helpful to both state and show to the other person (or yourself) that what they’re experiencing is valid and OK to experience. You can do this by stating: “It’s OK to feel upset about this” and by giving them your undivided attention while they share.
Other examples of validating responses include:
“That makes sense!”
“I believe you.”
“That would be really hard to go through.”
“It makes sense to feel (repeat whatever emotion they’re experiencing)”
“It’s OK for me to feel this way.”
Undivided attention (aka - put the phone away!)
Validation HACK:
To ensure you’re validating effectively, swap the word “validation” for the word “attention” and ask yourself: does my response keep the attention on how the other person is feeling? If it does, then you’re validating effectively. If it shifts attention to something else, such as your perspective of the situation, a similar experience you had, or a solution, then this will likely be invalidating.
Conclusion
Being invalidated has an insidious and negative impact on every aspect of your life, even if it’s done unintentionally or unknowingly by those who love and care about you. Learning to recognize it when you hear / see it, and replacing it with more validating responses is the key toward handling your emotions, creating more connected and fulfilling relationships, and living a life you love.
Give it a try and let me know how it goes by emailing me at katie@connecttherapymn.com. I’d love to hear from you.
P.S. I’m working on a special project to help you master the art of validation so stay tuned! I can’t wait to share this with you when it’s ready!
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect, and live the life they want.
*Want the support of a group of others who just “get it” and are motivated to learn and heal after growing up with CEN? Then the 8-week CEN Support Group could be a great fit for you!