7 Signs of Emotional Neglect In Marriage
This blog covers:
11 Unhealthy relationship behaviors learned in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) homes that can destroy marriages/romantic relationships
7 Common signs of emotional neglect in marriage/romantic relationships
Everyone knows that healthy relationships take work.
The problem is that most of us - if not all, let’s be honest! - don’t learn the lessons and skills necessary to make them work well. (All those math classes really came in handy, eh?)
Plus, if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), there’s a good chance you also picked up some relationship lessons that are more harmful than helpful, such as:
Invalidation of emotions, thoughts, and experiences
Not communicating wants or needs directly (or at all)
Absence of boundaries
No conflict resolution skills
No relationship repair after conflict
No accountability or apologies (or over-apologizing)
Lack of emotional safety
Fear of vulnerability
Blame, criticism, control, coercion
Avoidance, denial, suppression
Love is conditional
Real quick - it’s important to define CEN before continuing:
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)?
CEN is a type of relationship pattern characterized by a parent’s lack of warmth and responsiveness to their child’s emotions, experiences, and emotional needs.
CEN often goes undetected because the damage comes from what is MISSING in the parent-child relationship versus what is heard, seen, and felt. In other words, emotional neglect leaves no tangible memories behind.
For example, your parent yelling at for throwing your toy across the room is NOT emotional neglect as it is a memorable event that happened. However, not having your parent name and validate your feelings, hear the reason why you’re upset, and co-regulate with you until the upset feeling dissipates IS considered emotional neglect because your emotional need to feel heard, understood, and comforted goes UNMET. (To learn more about CEN, including common signs and treatment, you’ll definitely want to check out this blog post!)
When you grow up in a family that invalidates emotions, has no boundaries, or is very passive aggressive versus direct with their feelings, thoughts, and needs, it’s only natural to do the same in your romantic relationships because:
Experiencing some of these harmful relationship behaviors once in a while isn’t necessarily going to cause too much damage in your marriage. However, if these patterns are the norm, your relationship will undoubtedly suffer, leading to some or all of the experiences listed below.
7 Signs of Emotional Neglect In Your Marriage
You often feel alone in your relationship or that you’re not on the same “team”
Maybe you feel like you’re two ships passing in the night, or perhaps you do see each other a lot but there’s little meaningful interaction. You may also be making many family decisions by yourself versus together.
You misread and/or negatively interpret each other’s emotional states, actions, and intentions (aka you assume the worst about each other).
Even a neutral expression or tone of voice can instantly make you think you’re being judged, ignored, or uncared for. Small mistakes, like forgetting to complete a task, can be interpreted as intentional acts to hurt you instead of just a mistake.
You have the same fights that never get resolved
No matter what starts the conflict, it always seems to lead to the same dead end, leaving you both feeling unheard, exhausted, and increasingly despondent about relationship every changing.
You don’t know what to talk to each other about unless the conversation is centered on a specific task or logistics, such as figuring out the schedule for the week
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut and focus your (limited) time and energy on just getting through the day/week, especially when you’ve been feeling emotionally disconnected in your marriage for a while. The longer this continues, the more uncomfortable it will be to talk about YOU and what you’ve been feeling/experiencing.
You hesitate or stop bringing up concerns due to thinking it will lead to another fight
Our brains are always drawn to take the path of least resistance, so if certain topics haven’t gone well in the past, we’re more likely to avoid the path altogether! Plus there’s often a loss of hope that things will change for the better.
Your partner isn’t the first (or even 5th) person you want to share good news or spend free time with
When you’re not emotionally connected to your partner, you tend to turn away from them not only during the bad times, but also the good times. The reason for this is because sharing the pros and wins of your life requires vulnerability, which requires risk.
You feel like you don’t know each other anymore and there’s little to no effort made on both sides to change this
Somewhere along the way the conversations and time spent together just stop being a regular part of your relationship. There’s no effort on either side to schedule date nights, or even check in with each other on how each other’s day went. And there’s no vested interest in making a change with this pattern.
Let’s see how this plays out in a real life example:
Sara* was the quintessential child of emotional neglect as she was raised by emotionally immature parents who lacked the skills to meet her emotional needs. This was a deeply painful and lonely experience for her. But because she was 100% dependent upon her parents for survival, she had no choice but to find a way to deal with it.
Which she did… by fully adopting the “Lost Child” role in her family. This meant she:
Always tried to do the “right” thing/what was expected of her so that she didn’t upset her parents
Hid her true feelings and needs for fear of being seen as a burden or “too much”
Kept quiet to avoid conflict and negative attention
Automatically went along with what others wanted in order to not disappoint anyone (people-pleaser to the extreme!)
As a result, she was frequently praised for being the “good girl” in the family - the one “no one had to worry about.” These learned coping strategies “worked” in her family-of-origin as it preserved what little connection she had with her parents and minimized disconnect and conflict.
Fast forward 20 years, and these same strategies weren’t working in her marriage of only 3 years. In other words, her past was still impacting her present, causing disconnection and conflict in her marriage. She constantly felt like a failure in this relationship, leaving her to wonder if maybe she just wasn’t cut out to be in one.
Although she wasn’t aware of it at first, she was repeating many of the relationship lessons she’d learned growing up, which contributed to all 7 signs of emotional neglect being present in her marriage.
*Name changed to protect confidentiality.Conclusion
Despite the invisible nature of Childhood Emotional Neglect, it can have a devastating impact on us individually AND relationally! Healing is required so that our childhood doesn’t subconsciously control - and potentially sabotage - our present relationships. Luckily, healing is 100% possible at any stage of life! You CAN learn the tools to create healthy and fulfilling relationships not only with others, but yourself as well.
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that her clients need - but didn’t get growing up - to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect. Katie works with adult individuals, couples, and families, + leads a virtual Support Group for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
BOOK A FREE CONSULT with me today to start moving forward in your life with more clarity, confidence, and authenticity.