Do you ever wonder why you:

• Feel like you don’t know who you are?

• Downplay your accomplishments?

• Struggle to feel happy, even when things are going well in your life?

• Want to be noticed, but then feel super uncomfortable when you are?

• Struggle to create and stick to simple routines or goals?

If so, you may have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect.

And this blog is for you!

Childhood Emotional Neglect.

Upon first glance, it’s easy to think that - as the name suggests - the only thing being neglected here is our emotions. 

And while that is certainly a significant part of CEN, it’s not the full story. 

There are a number of other experiences that are neglected that most people don’t realize because - well, you can’t notice something that was never there to begin with, right?

While less obvious, these other experiences are essential for healthy child and emotional development.

Which means if they’re missing from your childhood, you are more likely to relate to the struggles listed above. And, if left untreated, these struggles can follow you into adulthood, negatively impacting just about every aspect of your life.

Below are 7 critical but overlooked experiences that we often miss out on when we are emotionally neglected as a child, and how this can impact us in adulthood.

7 Critical (but overlooked) experiences that we often miss out on when we grow up with Childhood Emotional Neglect

1. Being asked to share your feelings and inner world experiences

Do you feel like you don’t really know who you are? Chances are, you didn’t have a parent regularly inquiring about your thoughts and feelings. This negatively impacts a child’s ability to self-reflect and learn who they are. Being asked to share about your inner world is one of the biggest missing experiences in CEN homes, and is a leading factor to low self-confidence in adulthood because it’s hard to have confidence in yourself if you don’t know yourself.

2. Developmentally appropriate instruction on how to do basic tasks of daily living

Many clients share with me that growing up they were just expected to complete tasks - like clean their room, brush their teeth, do the dishes, make the bed, etc - simply upon being told (or commanded) to do so. But their parent didn’t actually teach and show them all the steps to complete these tasks. Or their parent expected them to be proficient at a task after just a few practice runs. Even more common, many parents have unrealistic expectations of what their child is developmentally able to do, and see a child’s failure to follow through with a task as a sign of disrespect and disobedience instead of inability. Finally, the “teaching methods” used by many parents is often highly ineffective, and can increase resistance to both learning new things and keeping up with these tasks not only in childhood but adulthood as well.

3. Feedback and encouragement to identify and develop your strengths and growth areas

Parents provide the mirror through which kids see and learn about themselves. When parents don’t adequately reflect back what they notice about their child, it can make it difficult for a child to learn who they are and what their strengths/growth areas are. This can negatively impact their ability to know who they are and accurately self-assess their strengths/growth areas as an adult.

4. Guidance on how to set and work toward goals

There’s often little to no actual conversation on how to identify and work toward goals when you grow up in a CEN home. Instead, outcomes are either undefined, or defined for you based on your parents’ expectations/society’s expectations versus your own unique interests and needs. This can make it challenging to self-identify, set up, and achieve goals in adulthood.

5. Warmth and affection

You may “know” you’re loved by your parent, but not necessarily “feel” their love. Oftentimes emotionally neglectful parents love their child deeply but do not convey this love through their words and actions. As a result, there’s a lack of warmth and affection (ie. hugs, “I love you”/”I’m proud of you” statements, closeness, etc), especially toward: boys, kids above a certain age (usually Kindergarten), and the oldest child in the family. (Cultural norms also play a big part in the level of emotional expression between parents and children.) It goes without saying that offering warmth and affection toward others - and yourself - as an adult can then be challenging.

6. Direction and teaching on how to create and maintain structure and routines

Many people who were emotionally neglected fall into one of 3 categories when it comes to routines: 1. They grew up with no consistent, predictable routines, 2. They were never explicitly taught how to create and stick to a routine, or 3. Structure and routine was forced upon them through demands and control tactics. All of these scenarios can create resistance to creating and maintaining routines as an adult, despite knowing how important they are to have.

7. Having your parent share in your happiness

Is your parent on your top 5 list of people you notify when good things happen in your life, or are they further down? Many emotionally neglectful parents struggle to join in and celebrate their child’s happiness and achievements. There’s no smiles, exclamations of excitement, or inquiry t “hear all about it.” Instead, there may be a nod, begrudging “good job,” a backhanded compliment (eg. “You at least got one thing right!”), or…no response at all. There’s many possible reasons for this, and they all boil down to one thing: your parent’s emotional immaturity. Regardless of the reason, not having this shared experience can greatly take away from the enjoyment and meaning these moments, and - understandably - lead to decreased willingness to share, and increased likelihood of downplaying or dismissing these moments for yourself in adulthood.

Conclusion

These 7 childhood experiences may not seem like a big deal upon first glance. And yes, not experiencing these things isn’t going to prevent you from growing up and becoming an adult. However - left unaddressed- it will drastically impact the way you show up in all of your relationships, your career, and your life overall.

Bottom line, the PRESENCE or ABSENCE of these experiences can make or break whether or not you enjoy and find fulfillment in your life.

NEXT SUPPORT GROUP STARTS OCTOBER 1st!

Feel more stressed out than calm you’re around (or even think about) your parents? Join a small group of other adult children of emotionally immature parents who 100% understand and relate to this! In 8-weeks you'll gain valuable insight and practical tools to feel prepared - not pressured - next time you’re with your parent.

You don’t have to keep waiting for your parent to change to feel better about yourself and find peace in this relationship.

Group starts Tuesday, October 1st - just in time to help you navigate the upcoming holidays with confidence and skill, and actually enjoy it.

Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!

I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need - but didn’t get growing up - to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect.

BOOK A FREE CONSULT today to start moving forward in your life with more confidence and authenticity.