This blog covers:

• 3 Reasons why holidays can be challenging for CEN survivors

• 5 Ways to support someone who is low/no-contact with their parent

• 5 Reasons to avoid sharing your opinion and perspective when offering support

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) + Holidays

Holidays - such as Mother’s Day, which is right around the corner - are strongly associated with family. For some, it’s a time filled with excitement, connection, and time with family. 

But for those who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect and now have a difficult relationship with their parent, it can be a time filled with dread, anxiety, sadness, confusion, grief, anger, you get the picture!

3 Reasons why the holidays can be challenging for CEN survivors:

1. When you experience CEN, it automatically leads to a disconnect from yourself AND your parent. Children perceive this disconnection as loneliness, and loneliness is incredibly painful to feel. In addition, this loneliness often persists well beyond childhood; hence the reason why many feel all alone even when they’re surrounded by family/friends. Being in direct contact with the original source (their parents) of that disconnect around the holidays can heighten that sense of loneliness.

2. Parents who are emotionally neglectful tend to be emotionally immature, which blocks their ability to connect with their feelings and be vulnerable - both of which are necessary for meaningful connection with others, including with their child. This makes it challenging for your parents to truly know who you are. Essentially it can feel like you’re having dinner with complete strangers. Talk about awkward!

3. CEN typically results in parents relating to you based on the role you serve for the family versus who you are as a constantly evolving, unique human being. There’s no tolerance for changes to these roles, even if the role is detrimental to your wellbeing. This can create tension and anxiety when you visit the family for, say, Christmas, as the pull to slide back into your assigned role can be overwhelmingly powerful despite an acute awareness of how it differs from who you are now, or who you want to become.

According to psychologist Dr. Karl Pillemar, roughly 25 million people in the US alone are cut off from a parent or a child. And it’s likely that this is a low estimate given the stigma around estrangement.

Despite the prevalence of this difficult parent - adult child dynamic, the support given to these folks remains woefully insufficient, even if well-intentioned. 

If you have a friend or loved one who has a strained relationship with their parent, continue reading to learn 5 effective ways to best support them through this holiday, and everything in between.

5 Ways to Best Support Someone Who is Low or No Contact With Their Parent

1. Validate their feelings - ALL of them

Choosing to go low or no contact with a parent - even if it’s a clear cut decision - often creates mixed feelings that can change often and seemingly without any rhyme or reason. It can be difficult to follow and understand for the person experiencing them, let alone a support person! This is why it’s critical to validate whatever feelings come up for them. Validating statements can sound like: “It makes sense that you feel that way.” “That would be really hard to go through.” “All your feelings are valid.”

2. Hold off on problem-solving or offering advice

It’s all too easy to offer (unsolicited) advice on how your friend should handle their difficult relationship with their parent. (“Just go for a little bit and come back early.” “You need to set boundaries with them!” “You don’t have to do anything for them!”) But responding with problem solving doesn’t take into consideration the deep complexity of their situation. It can also be a conversation-ender as it doesn’t allow them time and space to fully share and process through their situation.

3. Make a point to ask how they are doing – especially during times that are associated with family, such as holidays

Check in on your friends/loved ones regularly! Create intentional opportunities for them to easily share how they’re feeling if they want to. Even “Thinking of you today” or “How are your feeling today?” texts on certain holidays that are particularly difficult for them can help them feel less alone in their painful experience. 

4. Refrain from sharing your opinion of their parents or perspective of their situation- even if you agree

You’re not a blank slate - of course you have opinions on your best friend’s parents that you want to share! (Especially after hearing the same stories about them a hundred times!) But there are 5 big reasons to refrain from sharing, so stay with me!

1. If you have a similar experience with your own parent, it’s common to slip into comparing or one-upping (“That’s nothing compared to what my mom did last year…on my wedding day!”). This is a form of invalidation, which never feels good!

2. If you can’t relate to their experience, you run the risk of invalidating theirs if you ask questions to increase your own understanding of it. (“Why aren’t you going home for Thanksgiving?”). Questioning their decisions can make them feel judged versus supported.

3. If you have a different experience, it’s natural to respond with a different perspective, which can make them feel like theirs is wrong, or like you’re trying to change it. (“I can’t imagine not seeing my mom on Mother’s Day!,” “They’re your parents, and they may not be here much longer!” "They did their best!”)

4. It’s easier to take the side of/defend their parent if your relationship with your own parent is solid. (“Sounds like they’re just trying to help.” “That’s just how your mom is, she means well!”). This is - and will always be - invalidating and unhelpful.

5. Finally, when you offer your own opinion/perspective - even if you’re in agreement - you’re still shifting attention AWAY from their experience, which is automatically invalidating because it leaves no room for them to share, be heard, and understood.

5. Believe them

Literally say “I believe you” when they share about their feelings and experiences with their parent. People who make the decision to go low/no contact often due so with mixed feelings. They may doubt their decision and naturally wrestle with it even after it’s been made. When you say “I believe you”, it can significantly help reduce the self-doubt and guilt that typically accompanies estrangement.

Conclusion

The decision to go low or no contact with a parent is never an easy one to make. Even after the decision is made, it’s often accompanied by mixed feelings and self doubt - regardless of how ‘clear cut’ it is. 

The last thing someone in this situation needs is to have others add to their internal struggle, even if unintentionally.

Remember, we don’t have to know all of the details or agree with someone’s decision to go low or no contact in order to support them. Keeping these 5 tips in mind can ensure you’re providing others with the support they need.

Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!

I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect.

*Want the support of a group of others who just “get it” and are motivated to learn and heal after growing up with CEN? Check out the 8-week CEN Support Group! The next group starts June 11, 2024. Spaces are limited so book a consult with me soon to learn more and register.