5 Common Parenting Strategies That Lead to a Strained Relationship With Their Adult Child
This blog covers:
4 Reasons why outdated parenting practices are still the norm
5 Things parents do that contributes to a strained relationship with their adult child
Examples of how each of these 5 things happen and why it’s harmful
Concrete TIPS on what to do instead right NOW to maintain a solid connection to your child even after they become an adult
As much as I hate to say this, it needs to be said:
Many common parenting strategies used today inadvertently sets parents up to have a strained relationship with their adult child.
How does this happen?
GREAT question!
It happens for multiple reasons, including:
Society has yet to acknowledge (and accept!) the current research on child development.
Although the research IS out there, access to it remains limited.
Many parents have time/energy/financial limits that also reduce their ability to learn, digest, and implement these resources.
Oftentimes parents are flooded with “advice” from everyone to parent using these outdated methods, and we all know how difficult it can be to go against the grain, particularly family members! Especially when “this is the way it’s always been” in your family.
THIS is why I am so passionate about blogging because I want to help educate busy parents - and anyone who has any sort of connection to kids - in ways that are quick, accessible, digestible, and applicable right NOW!
So without further ado…
5 parenting strategies that lead to strained parent - adult child relationships:
They invalidate their child’s feelings.
How this happens: “You’re fine”, “It’s not a big deal!”, “Don’t cry!” If I had a nickel every time I heard one of these phrases being used in response to their child’s feelings/experiences, I’d literally be a millionaire! Maybe even a billionaire because it’s THAT common! Ignoring a child’s feelings is another common response that is recommended by many well-intentioned people. The thing is, these are all forms of invalidation, and invalidation not only shuts down a child’s emotions, it also shuts down the child as a whole! Invalidation is SO ingrained in our society because of the lack of information on how emotions and healthy emotional development happens. This is one of the biggest habits to break, especially if you grew up being invalidated and it’s all you know, which is a very common experience for those who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).
Why validation is important: Validating feelings does 3 important things: 1. It creates emotional safety in the relationship, 2. It meets a child’s emotional need to feel seen, heard, and understood, 3. It teaches a child a critical step in effectively coping with emotions. When validation is consistently absent, it often leads to a child feeling like their parent “never listens” to them, doesn’t care about them, and can’t be relied upon for support when needed. This naturally leads to increasing disconnect as the child grows older and becomes less dependent upon their parent.
What to do instead: Learn to name and tolerate your own emotions effectively, so that you can tolerate and validate your child’s emotions! Parents who can’t tolerate and effectively cope with their own feelings struggle to tolerate and cope with their child’s feelings. Thankfully, this is a skill that can be learned at anytime, and it’s one that will only help you in all your relationships, including the one with yourself!
They don’t take the time to continually get to know their child’s inner world.
How this happens: Not too long ago the premise that children were meant to be “seen and not heard” was alive and well. In fact, this is still the case in many parent-child relationships. This means that there is little to no interest in what the child is feeling/experiencing/thinking.
Why this is important: Being curious about and showing interest in your child’s inner world is critical for both their development (particularly identity formation) and connection with their parent! It helps kids feel like they matter and are taken seriously. It also reinforces their trust and belief in themselves, which boosts their confidence.
What to do instead: So how do you make sure you continually get to know your child’s inner world? You start by regularly asking your child questions. You repeat back to them what you heard them say. You ask follow-up questions. You invite them to tell you more about their perspective. You reflect back to them things that you notice about them, such as their feelings, activities they seem to be drawn toward, progress they’ve made, changes that have happened, etc. You show interest in learning more about (some) of the things they’re interested in, and/or you encourage them toward things they are interested in, if possible.
They don’t trust their child and instead think they know their child better than their child knows themself.
How this happens: “Are you sure you’re hungry/full?” “You can’t be hot; it’s 45 degrees outside!” “You’re not really sad; you’re just being dramatic!” Unfortunately these comments are still a dime a dozen in today’s society. I know most parents mean well, BUT when we constantly question what our child is feeling/experiencing, it drives a wedge in the parent-child connection as it makes a child feel like their parent doesn’t trust their perceptions about themself. Of course there are times when parents do need to step in and make a call for their child for safety reasons, but there are so many other opportunities where parents can practice trusting their child when they speak their truth.
Why this matters: When we constantly question our child’s perceptions of their own body/experiences because we believe we know them better it can create feelings of confusion and self-doubt. If it goes on long enough, they can start to disconnect from their feelings/body sensations altogether. For example, let’s say your child feels full after eating half a sandwich but their parent tells them they can’t feel that way. This creates inner conflict for your child: either they protest and stick to their truth by going against us (which can feel scary at times), or they disregard their own body cues and continue eating. This can lead to being disconnected from not only their feelings, but also their wants, needs, and who they are. Essentially they could become a stranger to themselves, and I’m sure you already know how this can negatively impact every aspect of life!
What to do instead: Instead of asking “Are you sure” or negating what your child says when they share what’s going on with them, practice responding with “I believe you” or “Thank you for telling me that; I’m so glad you told me.” This helps reinforce self-trust in the child that what your child is experiencing is valid and worth knowing. They will be more likely to trust themselves, and share what is going on in their world with you; I call that a WIN!
They only notice their child when their child is performing or acting out
How this happens: Nothing gets our attention faster than a child who is throwing books or hitting their baby sibling, right?!? And of course we are inclined to give attention to our child when they do something we approve of, like get good grades or do what we ask of them without an argument. In addition, with so many other things vying for our attention (ahem, cell phones!), any attention we do give our child means a lot because what we pay attention to often reflects what we find to be important. So you can imagine if we pay more attention to say - our phone - than to our child, it can easily make a child feel like they are less important!
Why this is important: Yet if we primarily give our child attention when they are performing, it can easily lead to them thinking their worth is tied to what they do/not do and how well they do it. Likewise, if we only pay attention to them when they’re acting out, well…to be honest, it doesn’t really give them much incentive to try to change their behaviours. It can also reinforce the belief that they are a “bad” kid.
What to do instead: Practice taking a little time - even just 30 secondes - noticing your child being themself. Practice making comments that are not tied to anything they do/don’t do, how they look, or how well they do something. Instead, tell them that you’re proud of them “just because.” Tell your child that you love them for who they are, and that will never change regardless of what they do. Tell them you love spending time with them, and say this regularly. Give your child your full attention during transition moments (eg. when they first wake up, before separating from each other during the day, when you reunite at the end of the day, bedtime). Share characteristics that you love about them that isn’t based on performance.
They do not allow their child to have boundaries.
How this happens: Not respecting a child’s boundary happens more often than not, unfortunately. For example, when we keep tickling/rough housing with our child after they say “stop!”, or we make our child hug people (ourself included!) even when they don’t want to. We take and share photos/videos of our child without asking them if it’s OK first (or before they have the developmental ability to understand what this means and to give informed consent). We share stories or information about our child - often ones that do not put them in the best light - to other people without their consent. We remove bedroom doors as punishment therefore taking away our child’s right to privacy. We go through their stuff without a prior conversation about this. The list goes on!
Why this is important: When we don’t allow our child to say “No!” to us and have some boundaries, it sets them up to not trust us to keep them safe. Period. It erodes emotional safety in a relationship, which naturally erodes relationship connection over time. In addition, not respecting our child’s boundaries sets them up to ignore what they want/need (hello, people-pleaser!), and struggle with assertiveness in all future relationships. This increases the chances of them being hurt and abused by others.
What to do instead: Listen to your child and follow-through immediately when they say “Stop.” Ask them if it’s OK for you to take their picture/record them, and if it’s OK for you to share online. By the way, if they can’t speak or understand what you’re asking them, the answer is always “No.” (I know, I know - this is a tough one for many people, myself included! I wish I had been more mindful of this much earlier on. I can’t go back and change the past, but I can make sure I do things differently going forward!). Have regular conversations with your child about boundaries, the types of boundaries that exist, and how to set a boundary. Role play this at home so they get practice using this skill. Oh, and for the love of all things good, do NOT force your child to hug/kiss people they are not comfortable with! And YES, this includes SANTA!!!!! Seriously, that picture with Santa is NOT worth it if your child is just screaming through the whole thing. It’s NOT cute. It’s NOT a funny story to post online. It’s dangerous. Full Stop!
Conclusion
I know that if you’re reading this, you are a good parent who cares about the relationship you have with your child! Because of this, change IS POSSIBLE! This parenting gig is hard work, but you don’t have to do it alone! Coming soon: I’m creating a support group just for parents like YOU who want to parent differently from how they were parented…but struggle to know exactly what that looks like! More details coming soon, so STAY TUNED!!
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect, and prevent it from being passed on to future generations!