“I’ve had it with my mom! She always does this and I just can’t take it anymore!”

My client - we’ll call her Kristen* - was visibly shaking with anger during one of her therapy sessions with me, which happened to be right after an interaction with her mom that clearly didn’t go well.

It was the same scenario that played out with her mom doing the same stuff she’s always done…only this time, it landed differently for my client.

This time Kristen was able to see her mom’s comments for what they were: Unhealthy. Unfair.

And, even more painful, she saw just how unhealthy her relationship with her mom had been her entire life.

Talk about a lightbulb moment!

(BTW, this is a big reason why healing can be so painful - it sheds light on a lot of painful things that we’ve subconsciously kept hidden most of our life!)

Kristen’s next statement was:

“Why didn’t I see this before? It’s so obvious to me now!”

And the answer to this pretty much boils down to one word: Survival. And how do we survive as kids? Adaptation.

That’s right; children will always adapt to their home environment - no matter how unhealthy - in order to survive. 

For example, if you hadn’t adapted as a child to being gaslit and instead knew that emotional validation was a basic human need that you deserved to have met, you may have protested even more every time you were gaslit. This likely would have resulted in increased disconnect from your parent that you’d then have to deal with all alone. Or if you refused to accept the role of emotional caretaker for your parent because you knew that it wasn’t your job, you may have been dismissed, ignored or rejected by them, leading to further disconnect.

Any sort of disconnection from a parent will set off a child’s alarm bells because they are 100% reliant on their parent for survival. 

In other words - you HAD to normalize these unhealthy relationship patterns in order to survive them.

You didn’t have a choice in the matter; your brain and nervous system chose this for you out of necessity. 

This is a big reason why Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is so hard to detect not only for parents, but also for children who grew up in these homes. 

Below is a list of 11 unhealthy relationship patterns that are normalized in CEN homes:

11 Unhealthy Relationship Patterns That Are Normalized In CEN Homes:

1. Emotional Invalidation

Verbal or nonverbal responses from a parent that make you feel like your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are wrong, unimportant, or not allowed.

2. Passive-aggressiveness

A way of communicating upset feelings in an indirect and aggressive way. It is a tactic often used to avoid direct confrontation, rejection, and accountability.

3. Little/no conversation about feelings

CEN homes oftentimes do not talk about feelings, meaning there is little to no interest or inquiry about how anyone feels. Rather emotions tend to be communicated through a process called emotional contagion where people can sense how others feel without the other person explicitly naming it.

4. Unresolved conflict

Instead conflicts are swept under the rug, never to be seen again…until they flare up at another time, only to be dropped without a resolution.

5. Silent treatment

A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse where one person - in this case a parent - intentionally withholds communication from their child during a conflict as a way to communicate their anger and manipulate their child’s behavior.

6. Gaslighting

A psychological manipulation tactic used to gain control over another person by instilling self-doubt. It undermines their confidence in their ability to trust themself.

7. Role reversal where the child takes care of the parent’s feelings

Parents expect their child to take care of their feelings (as well as their perceived image) when they are emotionally activated due to their own inability to self-regulate.

8. Unrealistic, inconsistent, and unclear expectations of their child

Due to a myriad of reasons - lack of mainstream education being one of them - parents often have wildly unrealistic expectations of what their child can/cannot do at any given age. This expectation gap sets the child up to continually fail to meet these expectations simply because they are not developmentally appropriate given their developmental stage. This also then sets the parent up to react with harshness or punishment versus empathy and connection when their child is not meeting these expectations.

9. Enmeshment

In enmeshed families, boundaries are unclear or nonexistent, and members are at risk of becoming overwhelmed by the emotions of others and assuming too much responsibility for others’ wellbeing. This type of system often leads to members losing their sense of identity and autonomy.

10. Lack of empathy

Empathy is the act of noticing, understanding, and holding compassionate space for others’ feelings and experiences. It is a cognitive skill, which means it has to be provided, modeled and taught repeatedly in order to learn and practice. In CEN homes, empathy is typically not practiced, which reduces the feeling of emotional safety for all family members.

11. No accountability from parent

In many CEN homes, parents struggle to accept and take responsibility for their choices and actions and the impact that this has. Instead, they often use deflection or blame to take the pressure off themself.

Conclusion

Have you had a similar lightbulb moment with your own parent where you suddenly realized that something they do - and have likely always done - isn’t actually all that great?

If you’re reading this blog, I’m guessing you have, and unfortunately there’s no going back from it - you can’t unsee it for what it really is: Unhealthy. Toxic. No longer acceptable.

This can make it challenging to tolerate not only the unhealthy words/actions, but also the people engaging in them. If you’re in this place, I see you. Know you’re not alone, and you don’t have to suffer through it in silence. You have options to choose from to navigate these difficult relationships in a way that doesn’t sacrifice your values and overall wellbeing.

*All names used are fictional to protect client confidentiality.

NEXT SUPPORT GROUP STARTS OCTOBER 1st!

Want to join a small group of adults who also have a difficult relationship with their parents? This group is for you! Get the support, information, and skills you need to feel prepared - not pressured - no matter what your parent does or says.

Group starts Tuesday, October 1st and runs for 8 consecutive weeks - just in time to help you get the tools you need to confidently navigate (and actually enjoy) the upcoming holidays!

Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!

I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need - but didn’t get growing up - to heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect.

BOOK A FREE CONSULT with me today to start moving forward in your life with more confidence and authenticity.